


"Hands On"

by LovelyZelda



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-02
Updated: 2010-05-02
Packaged: 2017-10-09 06:13:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/83895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyZelda/pseuds/LovelyZelda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><a href="http://community.livejournal.com/st_tos_kink/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://community.livejournal.com/st_tos_kink/"><b>st_tos_kink</b></a> prompt: <a href="http://community.livejournal.com/st_tos_kink/485.html?thread=589541#t589541">Spock gives terrible blow jobs. However, as a touch-telepath, he gives the best hand jobs in the world. I just want funny, sexy, cracky fic. :D Pairing is wide open, although I think S/Mc or S/K would yield the funniest results.</a></p><p>Spock researches blowjobs; Kirk and McCoy are unimpressed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Hands On"

Spock had researched the technique quite thoroughly and was confident that he would be able to give a most satisfactory performance.

"That's...uh...that's real good, Spock," McCoy said, gently pushing his head away.

"You have not achieved climax," said Spock.

"Obviously," McCoy muttered.

"I understood it was customary to perform this act until climax was achieved," said Spock. 

"Well, it's...you know, it's the darnedest thing," said McCoy.  "I just...never seem to be able to get off that way, so why don't you get up here, and we'll figure out something else."

Neither the historical documents nor the ship's pornographic library had mentioned such an inability. 

Spock started to stroke McCoy, enjoying the feel of him against his hand.  McCoy kissed him, and Spock could feel the human's arousal starting to build.  Spock lightly stroked the soft skin of the tip, then returned to stronger, firmer strokes over the whole length.  He matched his pace and pressure to McCoy's desire, focusing on the emotions he could pick up through their contact and altering his motions to whatever increased his pleasure even the slightest amount.

"God _damn_, Spock," McCoy growled in his ear in between licking and nibbling it.  "You make me want to fuck the hell out of you--'cept I don't want you to stop."  He moaned against Spock's neck and said, "If I had those hands, I don't know if I'd even bother with anyone else."

Spock was not entirely sure how to interpret this remark.  Since it was not unusual for McCoy to make illogical statements, and the human was radiating pleasure and desire, Spock felt it would be logical to ignore it (and he was beginning to understand the human need to see and hear a partner's response).

McCoy gave him what was called a "love bite" and asked, "You like that?"

"It is most agreeable, Doctor."

"You like playing with my cock?"

"Yes, but I disagree with your word choice."

"Oh sweet Jesus, do you have to--"

"I have been taking it very seriously."

Spock felt the small flare of amusement and could feel McCoy smiling against his neck.  "Course you are, Spock."  Another "love bite", and then, "But you're not taking it too seriously, are you?"

"I find it extremely gratifying."

Spock stroked him faster, both for his own benefit and for the sensations he felt from McCoy.  The human kissed him, using his tongue with broad, almost desperate movements--"hungry" was perhaps the human idiom.  McCoy squeezed his arm and sighed and moaned through his nose.

Spock's fingers were slightly slick from pre-come.  He speculated on whether or not some other, more sufficient lubricant would enhance the experience and decided it would be logical to ask.  As he stopped kissing McCoy, the human made a slight noise of complaint (which was still far more appealing than McCoy's usual noise).  Spock asked, and McCoy sighed, "Yes.  Oh hell _yes_," and almost immediately returned to kissing him even more frantically than before.

"Darlin, I'm real..." Their eyes met.  "You already know, don't you?"

"Yes, Doctor."

He thought that this might be considered within the realm of "green blooded son of a bitchery" (which had been banned from intimate encounters on the condition that the environmental controls be set at 85 degrees).  Instead of complaining or attempting to lower the temperature, McCoy smiled and gave him a blatant look that started at Spock's eyes and went immediately to his erection before taking in the rest of his body.  "What about you?"

"I am in a similar condition."

"Don't say 'condition'.  Sounds like there's something wrong with you."  He reached out to stroke Spock's thigh.  "But I guess I've forgotten my manners, haven't I?"

"I wasn't aware you had any."

McCoy squeezed his thigh and breathed in his ear, "Then you better tell me what you need."

"I intend to bring you to climax."

"You're not not getting off that easy.  And that wasn't a question, Mr. Spock."  McCoy caressed his thigh, then reached for his dick.  "I said tell me."

"Do not use your entire hand," said Spock.  "Your index and middle fingers will be sufficient."

"Really?"

"That was not a request, Doctor."

McCoy Vulcan-kissed Spock's entire length.  "You know it's against regulations to give me orders in bed."

"Thirteen days, six hours ago you said it was forbidden to mention regulations during any sexual activity."

"Meant for you."  McCoy's fingers curled around him, and he pressed his face against Spock's neck.  "_Spock_."

There was a very faint hint of pleading in his tone, so Spock softly said, "I intend to continue as long as is necessary."

"Rhetorical."  He moved against Spock's neck in a way that Spock could not remember the human term for and kissed the place where his neck and shoulder met.  "But I...I get what you mean, and..."

Spock was afraid he would say something uncomfortably sentimental.  He was prepared to blame it on human hormones and perhaps agree to lowering the temperature slightly on the condition that there be no more typically human emotional outbursts.

While he'd been speaking, McCoy had begun to stroke the tip of Spock's dick.  Spock inhaled sharply as the human made firm, gentle circles with his fingers.

He struggled for control, and, instead of completing his thought, McCoy asked, "You trying to be difficult?"

"I am not."

"No, because you don't have to try.  You like that?"

"Yes."

"You want me to keep doing it?"

"I would."

"Then actually god damn like it."  McCoy continued to make soft, precise circles with his fingers.  Spock checked the urge to shiver and arch his hips towards the doctor.  "You're just making me work harder.  You know how many people I had to stitch up today?"

"I believe the answer is none."

"Damn literal Vulcans," McCoy muttered.  "You want to suppress everything, this time I might just hold you to it."  Still lightly stroking the tip of Spock's erection, he grabbed Spock's other hand and squeezed.  "That is pure green blooded hob--"

"Your objection was to--"

"It'd be 70 degrees in here right now if--"

"You did specify 'son of a bitchery'."

"Which includes--Spock, you suppress one.  More.  Feeling," McCoy emphasized his words with his fingers in a most effective way, "and I am going to leave you with the worst case of green balls in recorded medical history.  And then I'm going to write an article about it. And damn you to hell, I did not say stop."

Spock resumed.  "Green balls?"

McCoy squeezed his hand again.  Spock squeezed back and sighed at what felt like an excessively loud volume.  "Don't you worry about it, darlin."

"It is an unusual term."  His hand involuntarily tightened around McCoy.  Illogically, he was tempted to suck the human's fingers, even though it would have little effect.

"Unrelieved vasocongestion in the genitals caused by failure to orgasm."

"That does not sound as though it would be difficult to find a cure."

"And here I thought Vulcans didn't know about jerking off."  McCoy stroked Spock's palm, using two fingers and lightly using his nails--and Spock quickly lost interest in having "jerking off" defined, especially when McCoy's other two fingers tested the sensitivity of Spock's dick, returning to the glans when other motions failed to get as strong a reaciton.

He continued to receive McCoy's emotions--it would have been difficult to block them out at this point--but Spock's listening was no longer precise.  He stroked McCoy faster because he needed to feel more friction against his hand.  That it caused the human to tilt his head back and thrust his hips forward, all while making most agreeable noises, was merely a pleasant side effect.

Spock watched eagerly as McCoy licked two of his own fingers before returning them to Spock's dick.  His eyes darted to their hands.  "That what you want?"

"Yes," said Spock.  Under the circumstances--and the threat of unrelieved vasocongestion--it was most logical to accept any offered stimulation.  He doubted McCoy would actually follow through on this threat as failure to bring one's partner to climax was considered a severe breach of human sexual etiquette--and there was also the fact that McCoy was making an extremely fascinating show of licking Spock's fingers.  "Entertaining, but somewhat insufficient, Doctor."  McCoy smiled, then flicked his tongue over the tip of Spock's index finger. 

Spock questioned whether using his superior strength to enter McCoy's mouth would be erotic or "hot" enough to be considered acceptable.  Unfortunately it might require the use of both of his hands, and Spock was not entirely willing to let go even to have his fingers sucked--the human was hard, radiating positive sensations, and almost as warm as a Vulcan.

While he was determining the best course of action, McCoy took his index and middle fingers into his mouth and sucked them.  He seemed to have deduced either that they were the most sensitive or their significance in Vulcan society.  Spock was not at all surprised that McCoy had already made this deduction--or that his fingers were already quite adept at Vulcan fellatio--but he would be reluctant to admit it.

Almost his entire concentration went to his hands and his cock.  What little was left focused on what he could feel from McCoy.  The human was incredibly close to orgasm, brought there entirely by Spock's use of manual stimulation (and Spock felt he was beginning to understand the human fascination with "talking dirty".)

"You are much more tractable that I would have anticipated," said Spock.  "Perhaps this would be the best course of action the next time you fail to listen to logic."  McCoy's expression was most interesting--intent and simultaneously unfocused.  "Would you find that preferable?"

McCoy sucked his fingers and stroked his palm with his thumb.  Spock felt as if that would be sufficient stimulus--it was not, but his hand tightened around McCoy, and McCoy moaned around his fingers.  He repeated the motion with his thumb and stroked Spock's shaft with the two fingers of his other hand.

Spock felt almost insensible from arousal.  It was difficult to tell which sensations were entirely his own and which he was receiving from McCoy.  He could not have suppressed his orgasm even if he had wanted to, and he made a low, keening sound in the back of his throat as he came.

It wasn't until he felt McCoy's orgasm on his fingers and heard the human's breathless moan in his ear that Spock began to question himself.  He had considered melding without even asking permission and, while he had no desire to behave as a human would, he suspected he had sounded uncomfortably alien during his own climax.

McCoy leaned back on his hands, looking smug and satisfied.  "That's a good color on you, Spock."

"I am not--"

"Sex blush green," said McCoy.

Spock raised an eyebrow.  "I would think it would be considered most unusual to a human."

"You're not exactly the first alien I've ever fooled around with.  And I'd bet I'm not your first alien either."

"I believe intercourse with a human is practically a requirement of interstellar travel," said Spock.  He was not entirely sure of the specific requirements of "fooling around", but McCoy was most likely either the second or third. "Your species is notoriously enthusiastic."

McCoy laughed.  Spock was starting to wonder if his posture was one of invitation.  "Now you can't just judge our entire species based on Jim."

"He would be one of your better representatives," said Spock.  He decided to take McCoy's stance as an invitation.  If that was not the human's intention, he was free to move once Spock leaned in and began to kiss his neck.  "It would be most unfortunate if your species' reputation was based on a being as illogical and emotional as yourself, Doctor."

"Mmm.  Well, Spock, I'd have to consider you the perfect example of a Vulcan."

"Thank you, Doctor."  He began to kiss McCoy's chest.  McCoy moved, arching himself up towards Spock.

"Wasn't a compliment."

"I have found humans often resent those who have the attributes that they lack."   

"Resentment's an awful strong word, Spock."  He sighed as Spock licked and sucked his nipple.  "Pity'd be much more accurate."

"Since it would be illogical to pity me for my superior intellect and aesthetic appearance, I am not surprised that you do."

"Spock, you wouldn't be able to recognize a superior aesthetic appearance even if it was right under your nose.  Like now, for instance." 

"Doctor, your frame is useful only as an example of the late 20th century concept of 'heroin chic.'"  Spock kissed his way down McCoy's flat stomach.  "Most modern cultures would be more concerned with providing you adequate sustenance than in copulating with you."  McCoy became fully hard under Spock's tongue.  "Perhaps the next time you mistakenly wander onto the bridge I will have someone direct you to the officer's mess hall."

As McCoy responded quite positively to Spock's tongue, Spock felt that some oral stimulation would be welcome, even if the end result would not be achieved.  Shortly after he pulled McCoy into his mouth, the human said, "I...I don't think it's logical for you to waste your time."

"Would you consider intercrural intercourse to be more logical?" Spock asked.  McCoy's second refusal had been made fifty-three seconds sooner than the first.

"I would," said McCoy.  "You want to go first?"

He did not.  As they stood, McCoy at his back and thrusting between Spock's slick thighs, the human asked in his ear, "What the hell is 'heroin chic'?"

"Doctor, your ignorance is so astonishingly vast and perverse that I have begun to consider it a fetish," said Spock.  "As that is the only possibly reason why I could have any interest in listening to you."

"Listen?  Only thing you understand are ones and zeros."

"Interesting, Doctor.  I would have expected you to believe a computer operates through the use of minature gremlins or some other superstitious nonsense."

"Oh, no, Spock," McCoy began to stroke him, "I'm well aware the gremlin we've got is much too big.  And it's elves in the computer, by the way.  Everybody knows gremlins are too much trouble."

"A single inept surgeon hardly qualifies as 'everybody'."

McCoy stroked him and moved between his thighs and argued with him.  Spock found it most enjoyable.

***

Spock conducted more research.  The periodicals of the early 21st century had been most illuminating, although there did appear to be some repetition of their "hottest sex tips EVER" and some of the positions suggested in the Cosmo Sutra did not seem plausible for the majority of humanoid species.

Given the importance of oral stimulation in human pornographic canon, Spock found it most improbable that Kirk would share McCoy's inability to climax from such stimulation.

Kirk was unusually silent, possibly overwhelmed by sensation.  His hands clenched.  He started (or perhaps flinched) and said, "Spock, I think it's your turn."

"Jim--"

"In fact, I'm sure of it."  Kirk slid onto the floor, forcing Spock to move back and stand up.

"I do not want it to be 'my turn,'" said Spock.  Kirk put a hand around his waist and pulled all of Spock into his mouth.  "My intention was perform the act on you."

Jim looked up at him, his lips moving back and forth over Spock's length, and shrugged as if there was nothing he could do to change the situation.

Kirk sucked him and squeezed him.  The hand at Spock's waist moved to the nerve cluster at the base of his spine.  Spock could feel him trying to determine what to do with it, but Spock mostly felt Jim's warm mouth and the hand fondling his testicles.

Kirk became vocal again, making sounds normally associated with humans enjoying their food.  He could feel Jim's sighs and moans against his skin, and from Kirk's hands Spock could tell that Jim was enjoying himself more than he would have anticipated.

He was not entirely sure how to interpret the situation.  The sensation of Kirk's warm, wet mouth and soft lips around his cock was a gratifying one, and Kirk radiated pleasure.  He enjoyed performing the act more than he enjoyed having it performed on him, but was that a general preference or a specific one?

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, Jim," said Spock.  "I find this most satisfactory."

Kirk didn't believe him.  "Spock..."

"Do you find this sufficiently satisfactory?"

Kirk grinned at him.  "Sufficiently satisfactory?"  He ran his tongue over Spock, pausing at the tip.  "Spock, you're absolutely delicious.  And I must say the portions are terrific."

"The...portions?"

"A new take on an old joke."  He licked Spock again.  "But you're not enjoying yourself."

"I do not wish to be selfish."

"Mr. Spock, you have my permission to be selfish whenever you want.  And let me assure you, there is nothing in the world I want more than to suck you off right now."  He smiled up at Spock and added, "Except, of course, for you to enjoy it."

"Jim..."  He found it most pleasant when Jim smiled at him in that manner and simultaneously wished he wouldn't.

"Tell me what you need, Spock."

He could not tell if he would like Jim to always speak to him in that soft, eager tone--especially while on his knees--or if he would prefer Jim to be the one to tell him what to do. "I would like you to continue," said Spock.  "But I would like to be able to touch you."

"I think the two of us can come up with something."  Kirk stood up and kissed him.  "After all, I have heard that you're the best first officer in the fleet."

"Jim, thirty-eight days, twenty-two hours ago, you said we were not to mention the fleet during sexual activity."

"Yes, well, I meant you weren't."

He sat on the bed, and Jim curled around him.  Spock thought it looked awkward, but Kirk pulled Spock into his mouth and pulled Spock's hand to him without any feelings of complaint.  If anything, he seemed most gratified.

The lubricant was in easy reach.  Spock liberally applied it to his fingers before returning them to Kirk's erection.

Jim's vocalizations began almost as soon as Spock started to stroke him.  He writhed under and into Spock's hand, and his own hands clutched Spock's thighs in an excessively human manner.  He sucked just as eagerly and skillfully as before.

Spock lightly touched Kirk's hip with his other hand and said, "I would like you to be still, Jim."  He wished to slowly stroke Jim, drawing out each pleasurable moment as long as possible.  Jim's enthusiasm, while gratifying, made that difficult.

Something about the instruction pleased Kirk, even thought he clearly wished to behave otherwise.  Spock found this quite fascinating.

"Spock."  Jim ran his hands up Spock's thighs.  "It's me."

"I am well aware of your identity, Jim."

"You don't have to hold back around me."  Jim kissed, then applied a "love bite" to Spock's inner thigh.  "You _never_ have to hold back in front of me."

"Understood, Jim."

"Good."  When Kirk took Spock into his mouth again, Spock allowed himself to fully experience the sensations.  Between Jim's mouth and Jim's cock in his hand, Spock was soon thrusting into Kirk.

Kirk took all of him, occasionally moaning as Spock stroked him.  When Spock attempted to withdraw, Kirk stopped him with a hand on his back and sucked him until he'd swallowed everything.

"Mmm," Kirk sighed, leaning against Spock's leg.  "Please don't stop.  I just need a few more minutes, Spock."

"Of course, Jim," said Spock.  He was slowly becoming clearheaded enough to think of how shamefully unrestrained he'd been and how much stronger he was than a human.  "You are unharmed?"

Jim laughed softly against his bare skin.  "You'd never hurt me, Spock.  Not unless I asked you to."  He turned, looking up with a faint smile, and asked, "Can I move now?"

"If that is what you would like."  He tried not to think about how easily--and senselessly--he might have injured Kirk.  Especially when the human had managed to force himself to remain still simply because Spock had asked.

Kirk's hips rose and fell with Spock's hand.  "You're not that different from a human.  In terms of equipment.  You ever gone down on an Andorian?"

"I have not."  For whatever reason, Kirk would often reference previous sexual partners.  Despite the many he had named of varying species and sex, he had yet to repeat one (and strangely Dr. McCoy had yet to be mentioned).

"It's quite an experience.  Let me--"

"I would prefer if you did not."

"I think you'd--"  Whatever Jim had been about to say was interrupted by his climax.  He arched his back and moaned Spock's name (Spock tried not to think about what an accomplishment that was given the number of humans, Andorians, Edosians, Ithenites, and other humanoids Kirk had possibly known the names of.  Bitterness and jealousy were, after all, human traits.)

Kirk lay still for a few moments, still breathing heavily, then said, "Then I suppose I'll spare you the details."  He sat up.  "But the mortal of the story is that you're just right."  He glanced down and smiled.  From the continued stimulation of his hand and the telepathic echo of Kirk's orgasm, Spock was erect again.  "For a variety of activities."

"I am content, Jim."

Kirk's eyes widened.  "Spock, did it ever occur to you that I might need you to fuck me?"

"It did not.  My apologies."

Kirk laughed and rolled onto his back.  "I hope it's not too much trouble, Spock."

Spock looked at him, stretched out and smiling as if Spock was the most important being in the quadrant.  "Not at all, Jim," he said quietly.

"Spock," Jim said and sat up to wrap his arms around Spock.  Kirk held him tightly, and Spock submitted to it.  His human half wished to remain like this; his Vulcan side desperately wanted an interruption.

"You are making it very difficult to comply with your request."

"In that case, my apologies, Spock."  Kirk kissed him on the mouth, slowly and gently, and then he was on his back again.

Spock applied more lubricant to his fingers.  Kirk was tight and slightly cool around his fingers, and Spock would have enjoyed fucking him in this manner (but that was not what Jim had asked for).  Just as Kirk was on the verge of asking him to do so, Spock removed his fingers, applied additional lubrication to himself, and carefully penetrated Jim.

Jim placed his ankles on Spock's shoulders and moved with him as he moaned and sighed Spock's name. He did not mention any beings other than Spock, and perhaps that was even more gratifying than the activity itself.

***

Kirk was creating a distraction in the outer chamber while Spock and McCoy searched for their phasers and communicators.

"And that is a sign of friendship where you come from?" asked Sefalla.  As Sefalla was a well-endowed humanoid female, Kirk had naturally been able to think of only one sort of distraction. Spock was beginning to regret not utilizing the Vulcan nerve pinch.

"Friendship...among other things," said Kirk.

McCoy rolled his eyes.  Spock raised an eyebrow.  He had heard McCoy say equally ridiculous things to humanoid females.

"Other things?"

"At least we've got plenty of time," McCoy muttered.

"Don't tell me a woman as lovely as yourself doesn't know about love," said Kirk.

Spock found himself experiencing a strong aversion towards Sefalla.

"And what is it that you humans call 'love'?"  She was obviously well aware of the concept.  Spock found this sort of deception most illogical.

McCoy held out his hand.  "This what we're looking for?"

"Yes," said Spock.  "Unfortunately it is not all."

"Found it in here.  You'll recognize the rest of it better than I would."

"What is _that_?" asked Sefalla.

"It means I'm very happy to see you," said Kirk.

"That's all?"

McCoy seemed to find this incredibly amusing.

"I've never heard it put quite that way before," said Kirk.

"It's not even moving!" said Sefalla.  "I don't understand--you look so much like us.  And...your Mr. Spock looks like he must have an incredibly flexible appendage!"

"Won't she be disappointed?"

"Doctor, may I remind you that our situation is quite serious?"

"You're saying...something like a tentacle," said Kirk.

"Lord, we're never going to get him off this rock if she says yes," said McCoy.

"Of course," said Sefalla.  "Have you been...mutilated?"

"Ye-es," said Kirk.  "Why don't you kiss it better?"

"Mutilated.  Remind me not to get involved with any Ursulans," said McCoy.  "I don't think my pride could take it."

"Your pride may be the least of your concerns, Doctor," said Spock.  "I have been unable to locate all of the components."

"You locate enough?"

"I may be able to create a communications device," said Spock.  "However, it will be quite crude."

"I don't care about crude--can it get us out of here?"

"My god, Sefalla, you're _amazing_.  I'm feeling much better already!"

"Assuming Jim wants to leave," said McCoy.

Had he been human, Spock would have scowled.  Jim's aversion to receiving fellatio appeared to be specific rather than general.

"Spock?"  McCoy touched his arm to get his attention. He seemed to have no emotional response to Jim's distraction--other than amusement--yet Spock was certain there had been and might continue to be some form of sexual activity between the two humans.

This was not the time to inquire or to waste time speculating.  "We are still unarmed," said Spock.

McCoy nodded and continued the search for their phasers.  Spock focused on his own task, rather than the sounds coming from the other room.

***

Spock attempted to provide oral stimulation.  The humans cringed, flinched, and pushed him away.  They made excuses that were less and less plausible.  Spock would have become suspicious much sooner, but he had not anticipated that Dr. McCoy would be capable of the emotional control necessary for deception, and he did not like to think that Kirk would be less than honest with him.

After he entered McCoy's quarters, Spock was somewhat surprised that he had been granted access.  McCoy was seated, one leg draped over the arm of his chair, while Kirk crouched between his knees (Spock had easily recognized the back of the captain's head).

McCoy raised his glass to him and pushed Kirk back down.  "Relax, darlin.  It's just Spock."

"Just?"  He felt it would be better to begin with that objection than to address his concerns that McCoy apparently referred to them both with the same term (naturally Spock was only concerned that Jim might object).

"You saying it wouldn't be different if you were Scotty?" McCoy asked.

"I assume that it would be," said Spock. If it had been Mr. Scott on his knees instead of Jim, Spock would have suggested that there might be something in Engineering that required his attention (and as there usually was, this could not be considered an emotional response).

"You think standing there's going to put me off, you're going to be standing there a good long while," said McCoy.

"Mmmph," said Kirk.

"Good short while," said McCoy.  "Like you're not having the time of your life, darlin?"

"Mmm."

"Course you are."  McCoy smirked at Spock as he stroked Kirk's hair.  He held Spock's gaze as Kirk continued.  Spock found it to be an interesting experience--McCoy didn't even break eye contact as he came in Kirk's mouth.

"Well, Doctor, I've taken all my medicine," said Kirk.

"Jim, I told you--I'm not going to play doctor; I _am_ a doctor," said McCoy.

"I believe you were in error," said Spock.

"The hell are you talking about?" asked McCoy.  Spock looked at Kirk.  "Oh.  I wouldn't take it personally, Spock.  Jim's real good."

"I am aware of the captain's abilities," said Spock.  "And I do not believe the issue is with _his_ abilities."

McCoy and Kirk looked at each other.  "Spock, you're one of the finest men I've ever served with, and I am honored to consider you my friend," said Kirk.  "But...it's...well...Bones, maybe you could--"

"You're absolutely terrible at giving head," said McCoy.

"Just terrible," said Kirk.

"I do not understand why you failed to bring this to my attention before," said Spock. 

Kirk and McCoy looked at each other, and Spock was disturbed to realize they had wished to spare his feelings.  That they suspected he was capable of "hurt feelings" was far worse than their accusation.  He had dealt with this misconception from Jim before, but it was most unusual from McCoy.  One of the doctor's few redeeming qualities was that he often spoke with no concern for the emotions Spock obviously did not possess.

"I think it's the lack of enthusiasm," said McCoy.

"Bones--"

"Well, why else would he be so bad at it?  He does just fine at everything else."

"Yes, I've noticed that as well," said Kirk.

"Except basic manners.  Poor Jim, just waiting for somebody to come down there and take care of you."

"I am in need of a thorough medical exami--"

"_No_, Jim."

"What kind of doctor--"

"Jim, drop it, or I'll drag you into sickbay and give you the real physical you've been trying to get out of."  He'd idly started to stroke Kirk's hair again.  "So maybe you should just come up here and give me a good reason not to do that."

"Spock?" Kirk asked as he sat in McCoy's lap.

"Spock, what do you want for Jim?"

"I do not believe any bartering is necessary at this time," said Spock.

"That mean want to join in or you want to watch?" McCoy asked.

"Bones, you and Spock don't actually--"

"Shut up, Jim." 

"I would prefer the former," said Spock, although he found it quite enjoyable to watch the humans kiss.  "But I think you will need to relocate."

The humans stood, drawing him to them and kissing and fondling him as they moved towards the bed.

"Since you have both complained about my technique, I would be willing to conduct additional practice," said Spock.

"No," said Kirk and McCoy.

"You really are dreadful at it, Spock," said Kirk as he licked the tip of Spock's ear.

"You do have two hands, darlin," McCoy murmured from Jim's neck.

"You are unusually observant today, Doctor," said Spock.

"You've got two hands, and there are two of us, you pointy eared--"

"I'd really appreciate it, Spock," Jim said in his ear.  "And I'm sure Bones would too."

"I'll absolutely hate it if that'll get him to do it."

It was accurate that Spock did have two hands, and there were two humans in bed with him.  "I would like to please you, Jim," said Spock.  He looked at McCoy.  "And if Dr. McCoy will agree to find it unpleasant..."

McCoy smiled at him and stroked his fingers.  "I'll just lie back and think of England."

"Lie back and think of England?"

"Dammit, Spock--"

Spock returned his kiss and said, "Doctor, you have not adjusted the environmental controls.  Therefore I am allowed all the green blooded son of a bitchery and hobgoblination I wish, and, out of all the locations on Earth, I find it odd that you would select England."

"Gentlemen, I believe we're getting sidetracked," said Kirk.

"He is allowed to be as much of a son of a bitch as he wants, Jim," said McCoy.

"Bones, I will never understand the two of you,"  Kirk said and kissed them both on the mouth at the same time.  McCoy seemed more certain of the technique than Spock.

"You're not exactly my first threesome with Jim either," McCoy murmured in his ear.  "So what do you want me to think of?"

"I assume you will think of what you usually do," said Spock.  "Illogical, irrational--"

"I think you should think about me," said Kirk.  "And how lonely and negl--"  McCoy twisted one of his nipples.  "That's more like it, Bones."

Spock moved so that he could stroke both humans at once.  "Perhaps you should think of Jim," he said.

"Me bending him over the captain's chair and fucking him or you bending him over the captain's chair and fucking him?"

"See, that's much more interesting than England," Kirk said as he kissed McCoy's neck.

"I assume the bridge would be empty for some reason," said Spock.

"Oh, no, Spock," Kirk sighed.  "That's the whole point."

This scenario was having a most interesting effect on Kirk (McCoy mostly seemed to be amused, but in a way Spock was unfamiliar with).  With enough concentration, Spock could distinguish the feelings he picked up from each of them and match his technique to their preferences.

"And of course I think I should be tied up," said Kirk.

"Too much work for us," said McCoy.  "You'll just have to learn to behave."

Kirk and McCoy kissed each other and continued their illogical discussion.  They would frequently lean in to kiss Spock's lips or his neck and shoulders, despite how awkwardly they had to position themselves to do so and keep Spock's hands on them.  Sometimes when he stroked them in precisely the right way they would press their faces against his skin or each other's and moan--Spock wondered if it would be possible to get them to do so simultaneously.

"You really don't behave, I'm sure the rest of the bridge crew'd be happy to help teach you some manners," McCoy said as Kirk kissed Spock with his lips and tongue.  Whatever he did, it caused Kirk to moan in Spock's mouth and thrust his hips, radiating a sudden flare of pleasure.  "I'd let 'em take turns with you, but I don't think Spock'd like that."

Someone's fingers stroked the tip of Spock's erection.  Spock assumed they belonged to McCoy--despite his many flaws, the good doctor used his hands like a Vulcan.

"Hell, I think I'd be in a whole heap of trouble if Spock knew what I've done to you, Jim boy."

Spock found the implications most intriguing.

"Think I should've asked first before I borrowed something that belongs to him?"

"Jesus, Bones, I'm never going to last if you keep talking like that. Spock..."

"Come on, Spock," said McCoy.

"You know it's--"

"What'd I say about--"

The humans looked at each other and laughed.  "You too?" asked Kirk.

"I figured you'd be able to keep him in line," said McCoy.

They leaned in, Kirk kissing his neck while McCoy teased his ear.  "We've been over this, Spock," said Kirk.

Kirk and McCoy were both aware of touch telepathy.  Despite their own lack of telepathic skill, both humans were easily read, and both had learned to communicate by concentrating on a single thought while he touched them.  Spock could not determine their actual words, but the sentiment behind them was quite clear.  He answered both Kirk's spoken remark and the thoughts they were both sending him with, "It does not change the fact that I am Vulcan."

"I had no idea," McCoy said as he licked the tip of Spock's ear.  "Did you, Jim?"

"It does explain a lot," said Kirk.

"I am quite involved," said Spock.  Naturally he did not feel disappointment when the fingers left his erection, although he did think it would have been much more logical for them to remain.  "Since you are both human, your confusion is not unexpected."

"Spock, I can practically hear you concentrating," said Kirk.

"I think it's more in the shoulders," said McCoy as he pressed his index and middle fingers against Spock's lips.

"I didn't think we were that hard to please," said Kirk.

"Jim, you're about as easy as they come."  As McCoy traced his lower lip, Spock once again felt the illogical urge to suck his fingers. 

"Ouch, Bones.  I may need treatment for that one."

McCoy leaned over his own arm to kiss Jim.  Spock could feel their enjoyment as he heard Kirk's small, pleased sounds and saw several glimpses of McCoy's tongue.  "That better, darlin?"

"A little.  But I think I may need another dose."

Spock watched them and gave in to the impulse to lightly bite, then suck McCoy's fingers.  The human enjoyed such stimulation more than Spock had anticipated.

McCoy kissed Spock's length with his damp fingers.  "I will lose some precision," said Spock.

"We'll manage," said Kirk.

"We want a Vulcan, not a machine," said McCoy.

They moaned his name--not quite in unison--as Spock squeezed.  He began to experience everything, and Jim and McCoy continued to focus their attention on him.  Both humans were highly aroused, and Spock did not feel it would be logical to waste time or distract himself with which sensations came from which human. 

He did think his thumbs could use additional stimulation.  He stopped stroking and rubbed the glans of both humans with his thumbs.  Even in this they felt remarkably similar--smooth and most agreeable against the pad of his thumb.

"Oh, Spock..."

"God damned tease."

Spock went back to stroking them, closing his eyes and concentrating entirely on their cocks and the intense stimulation both humans were feeling.  There were two hands fondling and stroking him, and, from what he could determine, they were two right hands.  He couldn't even be sure who bit his shoulder (but based on the location and past experience, it was most likely Jim).

He had just enough logic left to stroke them slightly differently.  Kirk silently urged him to go faster, arching forward and gasping into Spock's shoulder and neck.  Spock felt Kirk's orgasm a few seconds before it occurred and was barely able to keep himself under control.

"I guess I can't complain too much about that one," McCoy said in his ear.  "Sure are making us look bad."

"Explain."  He felt McCoy's arm around his shoulders and could see Jim watching them.

McCoy's fingers dug into his arm. "Two of us and we still can't get you off first?"

"Vulcan stamina, Doctor."  He placed the fingers of his available hand on Kirk's meld points.  Kirk nodded.

Jim was extremely content.  He enjoyed the sound of McCoy's increasingly ragged breathing--especially as Spock heard it.  He clung to Spock's arm, not because he wished to break the meld, but because of the strength of the sensations--Jim was feeling the arousal of a Vulcan and another human, both on the verge of climax, and Jim enjoyed it a great deal.

McCoy swore in his ear as he came, and Jim whimpered against the skin of his forearm.  Jim may have bitten him again--and certainly moaned--as Spock climaxed, but Spock was only vaguely aware of it.

He could feel McCoy's hand on Kirk's arm and then at the pulse point on his neck.  "Spock, if you broke him, I'm not fixing him."

Spock carefully ended the meld.  "I am sure he is quite well, Doctor.  Or at least considers it worth the damage to his mental functioning."

McCoy glared at him.  "Spock, I swear to--"

"I'm fine, Bones," said Kirk.  "Better than--did I come again?"

"I would not find it particularly surprising," said Spock.

McCoy stood up and stretched.  "You on tomorrow, Jim?"

"On and hopefully in orbit by 1400," said Kirk.  "And if you're going to try to weasel out of the landing party--"

"I am."  McCoy tossed two sealed antiseptic cloths onto the bed and opened a third.

"And does this have anything to do with the fact that you've just given your superior officer a very nice time?"

"This has to do with the huge amount of bureaucracy Starfleet Medical makes me deal with.  And if I have to do a log on an away mission on top of that, you'll be dropping me off at the next starbase with mental health and alcohol rehab facilities."

Kirk grinned at him.  "But you are asking immediately after giving your superior officer a very nice time."

"I'm not going to have time to stop by tomorrow," said McCoy.  He sat on Spock's edge of the bed.  "You cold?"

"I believe I have made my position on the environmental settings quite clear," said Spock.

"Guess we'll just have to keep you warm then."

"I prefer--"

"You're outvoted, Spock," said Kirk.  "And even if you don't feel this is a democracy...well, I outrank you."

The humans put their arms around him.  Spock suspected it would be pointless to remind them that they were a less efficient heating source than the environmental controls.  McCoy had reacted quite negatively the last time Spock had attempted to explain this (Jim had merely pretended to fall asleep).

"You know which replicators we go to," said Kirk.  "Or are we not planning to eat tomorrow, Bones?"

"Get the whole ship to promise not to do anything stupid that I've got to take care of," said McCoy, "and actually hold them to it. Then I might have time for lunch."

Spock could feel Kirk's concern and McCoy's faint annoyance as the humans lightly rubbed his arm and pressed themselves against him.  "I'll help you with your paperwork if you eat lunch with me," said Kirk.  "And join the landing party."

McCoy was amused.  "Jim, can you even spell Andronesian encephalitis?"

"Spell it?  I don't think I can pronounce it."

There was a time when Spock might have pointed out that this was an inappropriate place to discuss duty assignments and that it was generally frowned upon for a non-medical officer to perform even the most minor medical tasks without the appropriate certification.  At that time, however, Spock would have been unlikely to be in bed with one human, let alone two, and now he knew enough to wait.

"Bones," said Kirk.  "You know if I need you, you're going with the landing party.  But I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks, Jim," said McCoy.

"And if I don't see you in the mess hall, you'll get carry out."

"You going to fly us through a drive through on the way to Xenia Beta?"

Kirk laughed.  "I wish.  You still cold, Spock?"

"I am well, Jim," said Spock.  "I still do not understand why I have been unable to master the practice of fellatio when I have given a great deal of study to the theory."

Kirk cleared his throat.  "Bones, I think you've got the right background in anatomy to...?"

"Well, that's mostly just theory, Jim," said McCoy.  "I think we all know you've got more experience with the practice."

"What can I say?  Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them."

"Or inside them, on top of them--"

"Yes, thank you, Bones.  Spock, I would say just keep practicing.  On someone else."

"But if you want to practice your handjobs..."

"I think we'd be happy to help you out.  Wouldn't we, Bones?"

"More than happy to."

Spock suspected that this offer was somewhat disingenuous, but Kirk and McCoy were both pleasantly amused and satisfied.  He assumed the other feelings he was picking up from them could be safely interpreted as those of strong friendship, rather than anything uncomfortably emotional. (They were also better heat sources than he would have given either of them credit for, especially when they weren't sweating excessively and complaining about a perfectly reasonable temperature.)

"It is most generous of you, Jim," said Spock.

"Any time, Spock," Kirk said happily.  

Although he did not like to think himself incapable of performing such a basic task, Spock decided that there were certain advantages to his ineptitude. He much preferred the feel of the humans' cocks against his fingers to that of the same appendages in his mouth, and his hands were better able to simultaneously accommodate them both. In their eagerness to avoid his mouth, Kirk and McCoy were now quick to ask for manual stimulation, and, as humans, there was a very good chance they were experiencing guilt and the accompanying need to appease him.

Spock considered the humans' hands and how agreeable it might be to teach Kirk and McCoy the logical use of their fingers. He speculated for a few moments, then held Kirk's hand and placed his other on top of McCoy's, lacing their fingers together. Kirk sighed softly. McCoy shifted slightly closer. They were both almost asleep, and it was quite unlikely that they gave any thought to what such gestures might mean to a Vulcan. Spock did not consider his actions ethically suspect; based on what he knew of these particular humans, they would only be amused if they knew how perverse such gestures actually were.

All in all, Spock decided that his inability to master fellatio would prove to be quite advantageous.


End file.
